Being stuck in life is normal (at times). I think everyone gets to a point where things aren't working out and what they are doing is getting them no where. However, there is an event that will come along and place you where you deserve to be. Rewarding your patience and hard work. This is how one grows. Perseverance can lift you well above my brick wall. However, I feel stuck. It seems that the biggest obstacle for me to gain control of is my chronic pain. If you suffer with chronic pain, you know that most days revolve around keeping it under control. It decides what you can and can't do. My mind is not exactly wired that way. Some say that I am stubborn. Maybe so.
You may be wondering where this is going ...this is the stuff I was thinking about at 6:30 this morning. I was laying perfectly still beneath my favorite blanket, wishing for a distraction from the pain that was coursing through my body, when I saw lights coming on and heard the shower running. My family was awake and ready to start their day; my husband and son were off to work and my daughter was getting ready for the first day of her sophomore year in high school. Everyone had a place to be. Someone, somewhere was expecting each of them. And here I sat. No where to go. No one was expecting anything from me. So different from four years ago when I was rushing out the door to get to work on time, seeing patients all day, and then coming home to do whatever needed to be done. I am still needed by my family, I help them whenever I am able, and have things to do all day. I rarely sit and watch tv, I don't like soap opera's or most talk shows. I prefer to read and write.
For some reason, today was strange watching everyone leave. I wonder if they think the opposite of me, how it's possible for one to stay home all of the time, with no where to go. It is not easy. There are no other options. I have accepted this, but today felt out of place. I am not looking for anyone's pity, I am only sharing my thoughts.
I had had a rough night, I only slept from 2am to 4:20am. My pain level was so high that I couldn't stay in bed (laying down is horribly mean to my body), so I grabbed a blanket and headed for the Lazy Boy in the living room, along with my constant companion, Bentley. Only to sleep for 30 minutes. This could explain my feelings, a lack of sleep always creates interesting thoughts.
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The life of a spoonie is what you make of it (mostly). I stay home, rarely drive, quit my job, I have been declared disabled (I'm only 38, I was 34 when this began), and I take strong medications to cope with my illnesses ...not the best handful of facts, however, it could always be worse! There are so many people who struggle to eat, have a safe place to lay there head at night, to pay bills, to care for their children, there are those who struggle with addictions, those who have fallen into the hole of depression, etc....this list goes on and on ...I may be in pain all day everyday but, I am still able to look around and see that I have so much to be thankful for. I've taken negatives and found a way to make them positive. Having to quit a job that I loved was difficult ...having a husband who supports me through everything (positive), using my time at home to realize my long time dreams of having my writing published (positive), healthy kids (positive), a home (positive), a loyal dog (positive), great friends (positive), family (positive). I may lack sleep, but the things that I will create in my writing today will make that a positive, too! Woot! I also have days full of sadness and depression. Who could live with such horrible chronic autoimmune diseases and not have some level of depression?! The positive here, these days show me how good all of the other days are.
So, while my feet may be dangling from this wall, preventing me from walking forward for the moment ...I looked around, noticed how much closer I am to the sky. I'm keeping my finger pointed toward heaven and my eyes on the stars.
I
wish you plenty …of love, understanding, support, spoons, and dreams come true!
Monica Reents
Love you
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