Anyone with a chronic illness knows how difficult mornings are, and over the past four years, I have lost countless days to the inability to function...it's not just physical, it becomes mental.
I call myself (semi)functionally depressed.
When I get up, it's usually between ten and eleven in the morning, I take a handful of medications, drink coffee, and wait...it's during the waiting that I lose my day and often find myself becoming nonfunctional. My mind just seems to slip away at times. I can sit on the couch and think of all the things that I should be doing but I can't move,that's when it becomes physical-beyond the pain. I'm not sure how else to explain it. It feels as if the pain has built walls, preventing my body and mind from communicating. Forcing me to sit and wallow. This is not who I am.
I watch the clock, knowing that my day is ticking away, while I try to figure out how to get off of the couch. Hours go by. The time comes when kids are ready to come from school and I force myself up and into the shower. At this point, I am over due for medication because I have been unable to get off of the couch...the power of the time spent on the couch is indescribable. I've tried to make it a useful time, but I cannot explain the uselessness of myself at that time. By the time my husband is home from work, I am dressed and attempting to do something with my day. I don't like for my family to see that side of me. I talk to my husband about it, he knows and tries to understand, saying that it's ok. I appreciate his understanding.
I'm always putting a strong face forward.
I'm sure most of you understand doing this for your family, friends, doctors, and sometimes, ourselves. I don't necessarily see it as a negative. It shows the strength we've built and our perseverance to be our best.
I much prefer the days that I can keep myself away from the couch. When there is something stronger pulling at me. When I feel happy and healthy, inside.
I know that a lot of people have a hard time talking about depression and that's why it was important for me to be open about the fact that I do deal with it and most people with a chronic illness do face it at some point. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Chronic pain and illness changes everything about your life...who wouldn't feel some level of depression?
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Yesterday, I went to the lake with my husband to go fishing. It felt good to sit in the sun, next to the water. I only had about two hours of down time in the morning, then I was up and starting my day. I was in pain. But I was off the couch. For me, that's everything. We live in Kansas, so it isn't quite warm yet, there is a slight, beautiful chill in the air. It's refreshing after a long winter of being held captive indoors due to the miserable cold weather.
Yesterdays trip to the lake was a much needed mental vacation. I don't drive much, so I spend most of my time at home, dreaming of far away places where pain doesn't exist, shoes are an option, laptops never lose power, and I am able to live on an island somewhere...where I have all the warm sunny days and warm rainy days that a girl could wish for!
My goal this week is to spend as little time as possible on the couch. I would love to get up when my husband does, drink coffee, watch Criminal Minds while I wait for my medications to do what they must, then start my day...around 8 or 9 am instead of 2 or 3pm. I know that I would feel better about myself. I've only a couple months left before I am revealing a huge project that I have been s-l-o-w-l-y working on, it's time to be serious about something that I can do something about.
Wish me luck on Tuesday, I am having a nerve conduction study. Both of my arms fall asleep (quite often) during the night from the shoulder down to my fingers. It is painful and wakes me up. I'm hoping to receive some good news about where the nerve damage is coming from. I will keep you posted. Until then, my fingers are crossed and my prayers are strong- not only for myself, but for everyone who understands.
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Thank you for reading my blog! I appreciate you so very much, take care of yourselves and each other! Please don't forget to vote in the polls that I have created on the right side of my page and if you would like for each post to come straight to your inbox, enter your email address into the 'Follow Me' area, also located on the upper portion of the sidebar.
I wish you plenty...of love, understanding, spoons, support, and dreams come true!
(((Gentle Hugs)))
Monica Reents
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